I have had a birthday and it was a good one. Global warming hugged me tight and I enjoyed the afternoon in a beer garden. Outside. On my actual birthday. And I wasn't even wearing a hat or gloves.
My housemate Mirjam asked me as we were clinging glasses in the middle of London Fields (on my birthday! And we were sitting! And there was no snow!) what I would do with the year.
I guess I will mostly make plans. I need a plan now. At least one. If not more. Enough of the bumming around in gift shops and call centres. I want to go somewhere and do something. But not like I have been going places and doing things for the last six years. I want it to mean something.
I think that is a good start.
Also, I want to get counselling. Have already started contacting people there, actually. Why now? Why not in my closeted baby gay palm-cutting runaway days?
Cause I have now discovered that I am an actual nutcase who needs some help. Or maybe I just need someone to talk to. Someone who doesn't judge, doesn't tell anyone else I know, doesn't pitty, doesn't lie about what they think about it all.
The last 18 months have been so emotionally draining, I can hardly explain. I am mentally in a place that is completely foreign to me and I feel lost and it exhausts me. I have discovered sides of me that scare me and that I don't want. I want someone to take them and crumple them up and burn them. Or at least fold them up neatly and tuck them away somewhere they won't ever be found. I will probably need to do that myself, but maybe a counsellor can tell me how to.
And I want to do something that is not dishes and laundry, which is basically all I have been doing since May. I would like to learn something. Favourite on my list of things I could do is take sewing classes. I really WANT to do that. But apparently the cheapest beginners' sewing courses you get for 400 quid. Which I don't have. Alternatively of course I could waste 65 quid on a cushion making workshop, but I was shown how to make cushions in second grade when I was 7 and I think I still remember. So meh.
Most of my possible new hobbies cost a lot of money, tho. Will have to rethink. Any suggestions?
